We were unhappy
I was Unhappy
I was insecure
Angry
At everything
everyone
Myself
Her

I felt like the world owed me more
I felt like I owed myself more

I hated who I thought I was
And I directed that hate everyone around me

I was hard to live with
Probably still am to be honest

But bad things happen
Sometimes for no reason
And sometimes as a result of our own actions

I know what I caused
And I think I got what I deserved

I was angry about it for a long time

I felt abandoned
I never once thought about why people would leave in the first place
I just felt victimized
I held on to it
Became more toxic
Made everything worse for everyone around me

So they left

In reality I wasn't taking care of myself
I think it just got hard to watch

So when I started hurting people other than myself
That was it

I started drinking way too much
Made an ass out of myself regularly

Over and over again I'd wake up immediately filled with regret
From what I said or did the night before

And as I was doing this I was ignoring very real problems I was facing

I couldn't get to sleep sober or in my bed
I said it was because it smelled like her
But it really just reminded me too much of my fuck ups
I thought about that a lot
Still do

I had trouble living with myself
It was hard to sleep alone

So I started involving others in this cycle
I used strangers to feel better
I never did…
You know
Feel better

And it only caused more damage to everyone involved

I would see that
Hate myself more for it
And repeat the cycle

And then I was alone
The one thing I was terrified of

So when it's just you
It's hard to hide
It's hard to lie to yourself

There's no one around to blame
There's no one around to hate
Just you

I knew there was a lot that needed to change
I just never wanted to admit it
So I try to run from it one more time
And before I confronted it
Something pretty amazing happened

I started experiencing the world alone
And while trying to find where I'm supposed to end up
I started liking what I found
I met hundreds of people
Amazing, beautiful people
And they all had seen so much more
Than I could have imagined

I learned a lot
I learned that I wasn't alone in feeling this
I learned that we all feel these things

And I think we all kind of hate ourselves
But none of us deserve to feel that

When we tell eachother what what makes us so bad
The other person never sees it
That unforgivable nature we all think we harbour

Most people see the good with the bad
And it's up to us to decide what they see more of

And that's where I ended up
I realized that it was time to believe in something
I realized that I can stop this any time I want

I chose to let people down
I chose to alienate anyone who actually cared
and I don't want to do that anymore

I want to feel loved
but I'm going to have to prove that I'm worth loving

So, I want to be a friend
I want to matter
I want to be Someone who can be counted on
I want to be what they all saw in me

Because it's a choice
Giving up is a choice
Running is a choice
Lying is a choice

And we have to make these choices everyday
It takes commitment

It'll never be easy
And it may never feel right
But it's something I have to do

The pain doesn't ever go away
Trauma just kind of slides further and further to the back of your mind

One day it won't hurt so much
I choose to believe that

Whatever happens will happen

The people who I blamed were only catalysts
They were a totem for me to project all of my bullshit on
I'll still probably hate them for a very long time
But one of them gave me the best drunken advice I've ever received